"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!"
I dont't ever believe this quote because words DO hurt me... I try not to show that it has hurt me and when I'm alone, I'll have a little cry. It seems wussy but I can't help it. For example, there can be people I try to help and they don't give any praise to how much thought I've put in something and give you no thanks for it or there can be people who say things about me and how I am regardless of whether they know me or not which really upsets me because sometimes I don't want to be like how I am. I don't want to have OCD, which is mostly the factor of why I get snapped at by my family when I am so very FORCING myself not to do whatever I'm doing. It hurts when I'm out of the room and I can hear them talking about me as if they think I can't hear them but I can. My family underestimate really how much I can hear regardless whether I'm in the room or not! Sometimes I just want to go out and get drunk as possible and forget everything but I can't because I hate drinking and going out to clubs and stuff and I can't even let myself go and relax sometimes when I've got OCD things on my mind...
So when ever I'm upset, I get angry, I slam doors, hit the walls and I lock myself in my room and lie on my bed and think about stuff and have a cry and get it out of my system and it's gone the next day til the next time... It's just a neverending circle.
Sometimes I'd want to be a totally different person but I know if I hadn't gone through the stuff I have then I wouldn't the person I am today so I dont and mostly I like my personality and think if people don't like me the way I am, they aren't worth knowing but I cant do that with my family, they are always there, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing but I wouldn't be without them or my friends.
All I can say is the OCD is taking over my head at the moment and I can be washing my hands every half hour which the sound of running water is making my mum and dad go mad and I'm there at the sink UNBELIEVABLY trying not to wash my hands and each time I let myself down and that what upsets me because I don't want to be there. I don't want to be thinking of my mum and I can't hug her because she's touched the bloody bin! The other night she told me I will end up dragging me back to the OCD doc again if I can't get over it. I hate going there, my next appointment to see him is February which probably means the congentive therapy may be looming and I'm not looking forward to it but I know I have to do it otherwise I won't get my life back and it's always going to be stopping from doing what & where I want to go.
I dont't ever believe this quote because words DO hurt me... I try not to show that it has hurt me and when I'm alone, I'll have a little cry. It seems wussy but I can't help it. For example, there can be people I try to help and they don't give any praise to how much thought I've put in something and give you no thanks for it or there can be people who say things about me and how I am regardless of whether they know me or not which really upsets me because sometimes I don't want to be like how I am. I don't want to have OCD, which is mostly the factor of why I get snapped at by my family when I am so very FORCING myself not to do whatever I'm doing. It hurts when I'm out of the room and I can hear them talking about me as if they think I can't hear them but I can. My family underestimate really how much I can hear regardless whether I'm in the room or not! Sometimes I just want to go out and get drunk as possible and forget everything but I can't because I hate drinking and going out to clubs and stuff and I can't even let myself go and relax sometimes when I've got OCD things on my mind...
So when ever I'm upset, I get angry, I slam doors, hit the walls and I lock myself in my room and lie on my bed and think about stuff and have a cry and get it out of my system and it's gone the next day til the next time... It's just a neverending circle.
Sometimes I'd want to be a totally different person but I know if I hadn't gone through the stuff I have then I wouldn't the person I am today so I dont and mostly I like my personality and think if people don't like me the way I am, they aren't worth knowing but I cant do that with my family, they are always there, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing but I wouldn't be without them or my friends.
All I can say is the OCD is taking over my head at the moment and I can be washing my hands every half hour which the sound of running water is making my mum and dad go mad and I'm there at the sink UNBELIEVABLY trying not to wash my hands and each time I let myself down and that what upsets me because I don't want to be there. I don't want to be thinking of my mum and I can't hug her because she's touched the bloody bin! The other night she told me I will end up dragging me back to the OCD doc again if I can't get over it. I hate going there, my next appointment to see him is February which probably means the congentive therapy may be looming and I'm not looking forward to it but I know I have to do it otherwise I won't get my life back and it's always going to be stopping from doing what & where I want to go.
1 comment:
Hugs to you!
Hope you can manage to start getting your ocd Under control, those people who make you feel down they are just doing it as they dont have anything better to do!
hope you feel better soon!!!
xx
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