Tonight, on my birthday (14th), I broke down in tears in bathroom while washing my hands… I just felt so angry with myself that I feel have to rely on wash my hands to feel better about things. Today had been such a good day for my birthday and for it to end like this, it kind of upset me. I really don’t want to feel forced to wash my hands to feel better,more content but this compulsion just overwhelms me and I give in to it most of the time. I try and force myself NOT to do it but it’s so hard! I want to be able to relax again and not feel the need to wash my hands anymore. I’m constantly like a yo-yo these days getting up to wash my hands and I miss out on a lot of things such as my favourite programmes I’ve been waiting to watch or maybe a DVD I’ve put on and I want to relax, watch the whole thing through without washing my hands.
I get very annoyed at myself the fact I feel I HAVE to do it but I know I don’t need to! My parents constantly tell me I don’t need to be doing these things and I know they are right, I hear it but It doesn’t go into my head! I just have all these things going round my head, say I see a outside dustbin I think “dirt” therefore if I touch it or even THINK i've touched it, I will need to wash my hands or even change my clothes. I can’t explain it but I want to get rid of these thoughts before it ends up ruining my life existence and I don’t want to put my family through any more stress. I know it upset them to see me like this because it’s so frustrating for them to keep telling me that everything is ok. I know I have to cope with these things because there are everyday things like emptying the bins that need to be done. My family often snap at me because I’m bugging them with my constant questions. I need to conquer this thing before it takes over my life even more and that I might just end up in a bath for the rest of my life!!!!
I really need to do something with my life that’s going to keep me occupied enough and happy enough not to wash my hands but first I need to get rid of the compulsions that make me want to wash my hands in the first place. I just think if I carry on like this, I’m never going to be happy or be able to cope with anything! It’s not helping being at home most of the time but I know I can’t get a job because there’s no way I’d be able to cope with one with my disability. Right now, I’m relying on my family a lot more than I should be when they should be enjoying their time on their own and I just feel so bad that I’m the cause of that. I know they love me and they want me to get better but that’s easier said than done. I’m just sick of crying to my mum about it and it’s going to make me an emotional wreck unless I sort it out and I’m no good to anyone like that…
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